Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
Kolkata, West Bengal, India.
Search For Krishna
How not to see Krishna
I had this weird dream last night — I am in some place, a city of some
sort, that I seem to think is Dwaraka, except that all the inhabitants are
There is lots of excitement, because Krishna is going to get married to one
of the girls today (I know not who). Everyone is bustling about, making
preparations for the wedding.
I'm thinking, "I've got to go to this wedding, because if I see Krishna then
my material life will be over; all my material desires will dissolve into
pure love of Krishna."
So I find all kinds of excuses to try to see Krishna before the wedding. I do
goofy things like gather some flowers and go to the room where Krishna is
preparing for the wedding, thinking that I will knock on His door, and when
He opens it, say something lame, like, "Um, do You need these?"
Dumb, dumb, dumb! (Hey, it is
Of course, Krishna will not need my wilted flowers, but my pretext will have
worked — I'll have seen Krishna!
Ah, but it is not so easy to see Krishna — even in a dream! Throughout
the dream, He is always one step ahead of me. When I go to His room, with the
flowers, He is not there. His servants say that He has gone to the tailor.
When I get to the tailor, Krishna has already left for somewhere else.
Finally, after much "wild-goose chasing" within the dream, I awake, without
ever seeing Krishna.
I lie in the dark, disappointed. I am disappointed not because I did not see
Krishna, but because I wanted to see Him so cheaply, without serving His
I may be many things, but I am not a sahajiya.
Why did I think that
Krishna could be seen so easily, so cheaply? Srila Guru Maharaj and Srila
Gurudeva have emphasized service, service, service, but ignoring service to
Krishna's devotees in my dream, I wanted to take a shortcut to devotion, to
circumvent service to His devotees, to see Krishna directly.
Even though it was a dream, I am disappointed because I wanted to see Krishna
face-to-face, because I wanted to cheat, because I did not try to see Him
through service. Even in a dream, I feel that I should have known:
atah sri-krsna namadi
na bhaved grahyam indriyaih
sevonmukhe hi jihvadau
svayam eva sphuraty adah
"The holy name, form, qualities and pastimes of Krishna are all
transcendental, and therefore cannot be seen, touched, or understood by my
physical and mental senses. Only an earnest desire to serve Guru and
Vaishnava will allow my tongue to begin to pronounce the name of Krishna and
give me a glimpse of His transcendental form, qualities and pastimes."
Sigh. I still have so far to go before my consciousness is purified...