Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
Kolkata, West Bengal, India.

Search For Krishna

How not to see Krishna

I had this weird dream last night — I am in some place, a city of some sort, that I seem to think is Dwaraka, except that all the inhabitants are Western devotees...

There is lots of excitement, because Krishna is going to get married to one of the girls today (I know not who). Everyone is bustling about, making preparations for the wedding.

I'm thinking, "I've got to go to this wedding, because if I see Krishna then my material life will be over; all my material desires will dissolve into pure love of Krishna."

So I find all kinds of excuses to try to see Krishna before the wedding. I do goofy things like gather some flowers and go to the room where Krishna is preparing for the wedding, thinking that I will knock on His door, and when He opens it, say something lame, like, "Um, do You need these?"

Dumb, dumb, dumb! (Hey, it is a dream!)

Of course, Krishna will not need my wilted flowers, but my pretext will have worked — I'll have seen Krishna!

Ah, but it is not so easy to see Krishna — even in a dream! Throughout the dream, He is always one step ahead of me. When I go to His room, with the flowers, He is not there. His servants say that He has gone to the tailor. When I get to the tailor, Krishna has already left for somewhere else.

Finally, after much "wild-goose chasing" within the dream, I awake, without ever seeing Krishna.

I lie in the dark, disappointed. I am disappointed not because I did not see Krishna, but because I wanted to see Him so cheaply, without serving His devotees.

I may be many things, but I am not a sahajiya. Why did I think that Krishna could be seen so easily, so cheaply? Srila Guru Maharaj and Srila Gurudeva have emphasized service, service, service, but ignoring service to Krishna's devotees in my dream, I wanted to take a shortcut to devotion, to circumvent service to His devotees, to see Krishna directly.

Even though it was a dream, I am disappointed because I wanted to see Krishna face-to-face, because I wanted to cheat, because I did not try to see Him through service. Even in a dream, I feel that I should have known:


"The holy name, form, qualities and pastimes of Krishna are all transcendental, and therefore cannot be seen, touched, or understood by my physical and mental senses. Only an earnest desire to serve Guru and Vaishnava will allow my tongue to begin to pronounce the name of Krishna and give me a glimpse of His transcendental form, qualities and pastimes."

Sigh. I still have so far to go before my consciousness is purified...