Navadwip, West Bengal, India — Sunday, March 19th

Third anniversary

I know. I'm as surprised as you are. Three years, and I'm still here, trying to live the life of a sannyasi, trying to live a life of Krishna consciousness. Amazing. Srila Gurudeva is so kind, so merciful. It is all his grace:

lava-matra sadhu-sange sarva-siddhi haya

"Even just one moment of real association with a sadhu, a saint, can give you all success in your spiritual life."

Three years ago I gave up my job, my apartment, and most of my possessions, and came here to Navadwip to try to dedicate my life exclusively to Krishna consciousness — to be initiated by Srila Gurudeva into the holy order of sannyas.

Thanks to Sripad Goswami Maharaj's "The future is now!" letter, I awoke from my slumber — I experienced "a moment of full consciousness" — and began to search after my best interest by coming to India to talk first to him, and then to Srila Gurudeva, about my future prospects.

kim pramattasya bahubhih / paroksair hayanair iha
varam muhurtam viditam / ghatate sreyase yatah

"Imperceptibly, many, many years pass uselessly in the lives of persons intoxicated by the mundane pleasures of this world. Better just one moment of full consciousness when they realize that they are losing valuable time, and thus become serious to attain their eternal benefit."

I'm tired of cheating (ye yatha mam prapadyante) and being cheated (tams tathaiva bhajamy aham). I don't want to be a disciple in name only. I want a real, tangible connection with reality:

tad viddhi pranipatena / pariprasnena sevaya
upadeksyanti te jnanam / jnaninas tattva-darsinah

I understand clearly that if I am ever to get a connection with that plane of reality (tad viddhi) I have to give up this proclivity for cheating and surrender my consciousness exclusively (pranipatena) to Srila Gurudeva, whose consciousness is always absorbed in that super-subjective conscious plane (jnaninas tattva-darsinah).

Only when I stop cheating and begin to faithfully follow Srila Gurudeva's instructions (pariprasnena) will I stop being cheated and get a real, substantial connection to that higher world, through service (sevaya).

It is not easy, but I have no other alternative: if I want to be given entrance into that land of dedication (upadeksyanti te jnanam), this is the price I have to pay — every day.

God help me.

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